


Arthur imagines his first date

by ArthurFlecksGirl



Category: Joker (2019)
Genre: Comfort, Daydreams, Dreams, F/M, Fluff, Love, Romance, fantasies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:20:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23721496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArthurFlecksGirl/pseuds/ArthurFlecksGirl
Summary: Arthur imagines what his first date might be like and writes his thoughts in his diary.
Relationships: Arthur Fleck/You
Kudos: 9





	Arthur imagines his first date

It`s a cold evening in Gotham city. Its feels like the dead of summer. You walk though the park, kicking the fallen leafes beneath your cold feet. It has been a long day. A long month, year. Life even. You feel tired, trying to understand why you are even here in this city full of ignorant people. If only you had someone on your side that understands how lonely the world can be, when you`re inside of your own mind all the time.   
You moved here years ago and still haven`t found someone to talk to. You think about leaving this place if nothing changes. You`re looking for a sign. Something that keeps you going.   
There is a little kitten by the river. "Hey there little friend, feelin lonely,too?" it meows and runs away. And just as you want to turn your back, you see something in the water. A bottle. But there is something in it.  
"A message in a bottle" you whisper to yourself as you pick it up. It looks like has been there for some months. But its easy to open. You sit down at a bench, starting to read:

"Today I sat there on a park bench in Gotham city, after I got out of the pharmacy. The sky was getting dark, you could tell that its going to rain soon. But I didnt wanted to go back to my dark apartment, so I just sat there, watching people. Made some observations. I need it to write in here. I need it for more jokes.  
But what I noticed today wasnt a joke. It was love. And love is a very serious subject to me. I take human connection very seriously. Because I never experienced it. And I really want to. Some days it really hurts me inside, when I see couples laughing together. LAUGHING TOGETHER. What sounds so simple, SEEMS so simple to others is out of my reach. Laughing is something that I really dont know nothing about. Though I laugh so often. Because I have to. Because it won`t leave me alone to cry. I laugh but the truth is I don`t. I can`t remember a time it was a real, heartfelt laugh. I don`t even know how to do it. Sometimes I try to fake it. When I`m at Pogos or with the guys from Haha`s. But I can tell from the way they look at me that they know there is something wrong with me. Maybe I should stop trying to fit in. I try to fit in all the time. Every day... but it doesnt seem to work. Except when there are kids around. Thats why I love them. Kids seem to SEE me.  
And then...the other word TOGETHER. There has to be more than one person to create a together. And I am always alone. I don`t know why. Its not like I didnt try to make friends. I really did. But they don`t feel comfortable around me. Even Hoyt told me so. I don`t know why everyone is so rude. I only want to make people happy. I really do. But thereis no "laughing together" for me. Only crying alone.  
So, I was sitting there on the bank and there was this couple. She was looking at him, laughing. I bet he told her a really good joke. And she looked at him in a way no one ever looked at me and they kissed. Holding on to one another.  
I always imagined how it would feel like being kissed. The moment right before your lips are touching must be the most beautiful feeling in the world. I imagin it to be very exciting to have someone elses lips pressed against yours. To circle your tongue around another and to taste the other person entierly. I dream about kissing the girl next door a lot. Her name is Sophie and she is beautiful. I bet she is a really good kisser. Her lips look so soft. I wish I could just knock on her door, take her face between my hands and kiss her passionately. But the truth is I barely dare to look her in the eyes when we meet at the hallway.  
But yeah. this couple on the streets really made me think about what it would be like to have someone to love.To make love to someone.   
I consider myself a romantic. And I played this like a thousands of times in my head. I`m 35 now and I guess it will never happen. But I like to dream about it. Who knows, maybe someday someone will SEE me the way I am. Maybe some day a nice girl will laugh at my jokes and take me in her arms. I would love to dress up in some decent clothes for her. I usually wear my old, faded jacket and my blue pants. The ones that look too baggy on me. But actually I like to dress nicely. Especially for special occasions. It just barely happens.I would put on some cologne. Not the one I use when I go to Pogos, I would buy a new one, because my mother uses the same bottle and that`s a bit strange, right? I would definitaly buy a new one I think the girl would like. I just found one I loved but it was too expensive and I couldnt afford it. Whatever, no one would have noticed the new cologne on me anyway.  
And on our big date...I would do something with my hair. Maybe I would wear it slick back. I noticed that people like that a lot. I would like to go to the theatres with her. Oh that would be nice. Watching some comedy together. She would teach me what a real laugh feels and sounds like. I bet she could do that. And I wouldnt have to act strangely around her anymore, because the laugh would come NATURALLY. So she could feel comfortable around me,too.  
Thats my biggest fear, that the girl wouldnt feel comfortable around me. I would try my best to make her feel LOVED. After our date I would walk down the streets with her, holding hands. I always loved the idea of hoding hands. Its like a little commitment. You are mine. I really love the time we spent together. Thats what it says. At least I think so.  
I would take her home with me. It would be a little bit embarrassing to show her the apartment but ...anyway... MUSIC!  
Music is really important when it comes to the perfect date. Its like the heart of everything. I would put on some nice, music. I have LOTS of really great records and I´m a good dancer, so this wouldnt be a problem. Maybe some Sinatra. And...I imagin asking her to dance with me, offering her my hand and she would smile and we start dancing through the living room...Oh I would light up some candles before that. The apartment is quiet dark so we could need a bit of light. And candle light is always a good idea. Girls appriciate it and it makes me feel comfortable,too.   
I would try to get closer to her while dancing. It would be the perfect moment for my first kiss. I could even pick a song for my first kiss, when I think about it now. This could be planned out so perfectly.   
Thats why I always play it in my head over and over again... If it happenes some day, I`m prepared. And I have to be prepared because I`m a virgin.  
I just hope she wouldnt notice that I never kissed someone before. That would be the most embarrassing thing. I know I can be SHY.  
Not even to mention other things like having sex.  
I dream about this A LOT. I keep pictures in here. Of girls I think are attractive and other stuff. I like to draw a lot. But thats all nothing compared to what a real girlfriend would feel like to have in my arms.   
I imagin sex to be not just a way to satisfy your own desires. I imagin it to be something that really connects you to the other person and to life itself. I always feel depressed after touching myself. I guess this would be different with having someone in your arms afterwards,too. I try to imagin the sensation of two bodies melting into one another. To be SEEN and to be FELT by another person. I think its impossible to UNSEE the person that you have sex with. My future girlfriend will look me in the eyes and I hope she will be able to realize my true self. That I`m a good guy. And she will tell me so. She would feel me with all her senses. Calling out my name between the kisses, begging me to sleep with her. Begging me to fullfill all her desires. And I would. God yes, I would make all her desires come true. Try the best to please her. I think I could be a great boyfriend.   
I would buy my girlfriend flowers,too. I love flowers. I love how soft to the touch they are and the fact that they smell so nice. Like girl`s shampoo. I would love to pick flowers and out them into her hair. I can imagin her happy face. A real laugh. Not like mine.  
I`d love to have someone to cuddle with at night. Not only my pillows. It must be wonderful to feel the warth of another body on your own. The weight of someone elses body on yours. I just want the emptyness to go away. This constant feeling of emtyness, meaniglessness. I just don`t wanna feel so bad anymore.   
Having someone to kiss my bruised back. To take care of my wounds when I got beaten up again. That would be wonderful.  
I need to talk to someone about the thoughts inside of my head. All these thoughts. They`re enemys sometimes. I try to get them out of me by writing this journal, but this isnt enough. I need someone to really listen to me and I guess my future girlfriend could do that. Just listen, putting her arms around me, when I feel lost. That would be enough to make me feel better. I long for human contact so much. But no one cares.   
My daydreams are the only thing I have left.Some days they feel so real, they become hallucinations. Dr Kane thinks I am delusional. But I know that these hallucinations arent real. I KNOW THAT I AM ALONE.  
These dreams...are just for the moment. I make them real for a minute, maybe an hour or longer. But as soon as the daydream is done, I know that my mind just made it up. What difference does it make if Dr Kane belives me or not? She doesnt care about me anyway. No one does.  
Dr Kane thinks that love won`t heal me. That I am way too damaged to be healed. Thats what she said. What a rude bitch. I know I can be healed by love. I just feel it in my guts. I just want a family. Is this too much to ask for? I get that its too late to have a father but is it too late to find a girl who loves me for who I am?   
Maybe it is. Maybe not.  
If there is a 50/50 chance...I`ll take it !  
50/50 is more than most people get in life.  
I think I´m gonna rip those pages out of this journal and put them into a bottle.  
I watched a movie a while ago and this guy put a letter with his adress into a bottle and thew it into the river. Years later this girl found it and wrote him a note.   
I loved this idea of the constant hope that your letter will be noticed some day.  
That I will be noticed someday.  
Yeah... I will do it right now.   
So if you read this and you think that my writing made any sense...  
Here is my adress  
Arthur Fleck  
2250 Anderson Avenue  
Apt 8J  
Gotham city NJ  
Gonna find a bottle and get to the river now.  
There is no time to waste.... "


End file.
